Before I get into the recent stuff, I should say that everything hasn't been sunshine and roses since I went back to school. I completely failed my online biology class, but managed to get an A in math and a B in chemistry. Chuck has had issues with weight gain and food sensitivities, and I'm fairly certain that I'm gluten intolerant and I need to cut back on dairy. Going back to work and school with a newborn has been quite an adjustment. I've had to learn that no matter how hard I try, I can't have it all. There are areas of my life where I just can't do everything I want. The older kids were all breastfed and I used cloth diapers on most of them. Chuck nursed till she was about 3 months old and then we had to switch to formula because I just didn't have the time to pump and nurse and work and go to school and be a parent to 4 other kids and sleep. It's okay though. The mom guilt for that is gone. The daycare we use is full of amazing people that love my kids. I can go to school and work and not worry that my kids are being neglected by crappy workers at a crappy daycare. They're in good hands.
Now for the fun stuff...school is going well this semester. I got into the classes that I needed to and I'm determined to pass biology this time around. I'm making friends in my classes, even though some of them make me feel super old. I am so very blessed to have this opportunity to go back to school right now. The kids are doing great at school. Toothless, the 9 year old, is learning to play the cello. Nascar, the 10 year old, has abandoned the violin in favor of the French horn. Minion still hates reading and most of the kids still refuse to clean their rooms, but we're managing. We're not quite at the point where I'd say we're truly thriving, but we are well on our way there.
Throughout all of this, I've maintained a pretty firm stance in how happy I am being single and how I have no desire to date or complicate my life any further with men in any way, shape, or form. I've finally gotten to the point after a really horrid 10 year relationship, that I am 100% happy with myself (or at least know that I'm happy with things that I'm in the process of changing). I am good. I love being single and not having to worry about another adult. It's amazing. I feel like an actual grown up who finally has all her shit together.
And then a month ago, I found myself caring about another adult again. This is the busiest my life has ever been, between work, and school, and 5 kids, and trying to find time for myself and the few friends that I do have...though most of my friends live somewhere in the internet, so we still manage to make that work. I'm not content with my life being crazy busy enough and I find myself head over heels over a stinking boy. I was done with boys. DONE, I tell you! But then this boy wanders into my life, understands me, cares about me, makes time for the kids, doesn't care that I don't have a million hours of free time to give him, and in the process of everything sweeps me off my feet. He's a good guy, you guys. He does the dishes. He plays with the kids so I can nap or study or finish making dinner in peace. He doesn't have to do any of it, but he does it without being asked. He really is amazing.
My brain is still trying to wrap itself around everything and convince itself that I deserve someone that treats me well, which means that my brain also does this really cool thing where it freaks out about everything and decides that no matter what anyone says, I'm reading too much into things, it's not going to last, things really aren't different this time, and I'm going to get my heart broken again. I want so badly for this to work out. I want him to stick around forever and he says that he will, but I've been told that before, so I'm still haunted by doubts. I don't want to be that damaged girl that inevitably screws things up somehow. I don't want him to get bored with me or realize that I'm more crazy than he can handle. He's good for me. He keeps me grounded. And suddenly, despite all my protesting, I'm at the point where I need him in my life.
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