A month later, my period was late...really late. I refused to take a test. I didn't want to know. I couldn't possibly handle having another kid at that point in time. If I didn't know for sure, I could just ignore it. Weeks later, I finally bought a test on the way home from work...even joked with the cashier at the store...then came home and took the test. It was positive immediately. I sent my friend a text: "FML." I had no other words. I felt nothing else. I sat in the bathroom, my mind, my body, my heart, my soul, all going numb, one after the other. I could barely move. Eventually I wandered into the bedroom to tell him. He was still asleep, of course, because that's what he did when he wasn't "job hunting" or on the computer playing whatever stupid game. I woke him up and just said, "I'm pregnant." It's all I could get out. He cried, and not in the good "Yay! We're going to have a baby and it's going to be amazing and we will make this work!" sense...it was crying in the "This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and you have totally ruined my life," sense.
Of course, it was my fault, but not my decision to what I wanted to happen. I always felt that if I ever was in this situation, I would keep the baby. I would do everything in my power to make sure that the baby knew it wasn't their fault that the circumstances sucked. He asked what I was going to do, not what WE were going to do. I said I couldn't have an abortion...that it just wasn't an option for me. He said it was the only option for him because he "just couldn't be a father." He mumbled something about having a shitty childhood, something else about how he'd rather be dead than have kids. He cried some more. He locked himself in the spare bedroom for a couple of days at some point. Good job, loser. Way to make zero effort to figure this out. I cried because I was alone and knew that I would have to figure out how to handle whatever decision I made. I explained to him in the Target parking lot that I couldn't have an abortion because I would hate myself. He said, "Well, we can work on that later" and something about how if I didn't have an abortion, he would hate me. I didn't care. I couldn't hate myself, but at the same time, I couldn't see how I could manage being a single mom of 5 kids.
The next week. I made an appointment at Planned Parenthood to talk to someone. They scheduled me for an abortion for that Thursday. I cried and cried. Later that week, I was laying in bed with 2 year old Spiderman and we were taking silly selfies. It was at that moment that I knew I couldn't go through with the abortion. I would figure this out on my own. My mom and her friend unexpectedly were in town for the weekend, so that gave me an excuse to miss the appointment. The loser was constantly asking me if I was going to reschedule or call them or what. Yeah, not gonna happen.
A week or so later, we had a discussion about how he felt he should have equal say in my decision. He couldn't grasp the fact that whatever happened, it was physically going to happen to me. He only had the emotional side to deal with and he'd already made the baby nonexistent there.
One night at work in mid October, I started having severe cramping. The numb feeling came back. I left work to go home so the loser could drive me to the ER. I made it in the front door before I collapsed on the floor and couldn't move. I tried calling him, I tried yelling, nothing worked. He was asleep again and I couldn't get help. In hindsight, I should have called someone else, but the only people that knew I was pregnant at this point lived in Massachusetts or Australia and maybe England and Canada. I didn't want anyone else to know about my private hell. I couldn't deal with the guilt and the shame that I already felt. 45 minutes later, I dragged myself down the hall and woke up the loser. We went to the ER and they started running tests....blood tests, multiple ultrasounds, nothing that really gave them any answer other than it was probably the beginning of a miscarriage and I should be on bedrest for a while.
I should have been elated at this point. My problems would be solved. I was still numb...I was slowly dying inside. My heart was breaking. I couldn't lose this baby, no matter what. She was mine and I would fight like hell to keep her safe. I quit my job. I was working nights and I never saw the other kids...this was just the last straw. I went in and got my old job back. The hours were sane even though the pay completely sucked, but I would see my kids and I wouldn't be risking the pregnancy.
The loser and I didn't talk about the baby again until sometime in December.
No comments:
Post a Comment